Hilarious Breakdowns

Somewhere, the real Hepburn is smiling (through sobs)

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 14:18:56 -0400

Supporting role - Female, caucasian, 20’s, blond, beautiful Golden Age of Cinema looks. A self-described actress willing and capable of saying or doing anything to succeed. A thespian who casts herself as an Oscar winner and adult film performer in the same thought and breath. Learned to be uninhibited with or without consent. Speaks the unspoken. Receives text messages in the contact lenses of dead soulless eyes. This is a very challenging, deeply layered, character driven role akin to the composite leads of the “Deer Hunter”. This role involves strong sexual situations, volatile sexually explicit dialogue, unsimulated french kissing, groping and multiple takes of authentic, bare skin-to-skin, non-erotic punishment spankings. If talent has any issue with the described contact, do not submit. TALENT MUST SEND ELECTRONIC NOTE DESCRIBING WHY THEY ARE SUBMITTING FOR THIS ROLE, ALSO INDICATING THEY HAVE READ THE BREAKDOWN IN ITS ENTIRETY

Emotional availabilty prototype: Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander

Do I even need to snarkily comment on this one?

YOU HAVE REALLY THOUGHT THIS ONE OUT

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 11:22:13 -0500

Alt Girl: Female / Caucasian / 20 – 22 years - Requirements: Beautiful/Model type/very thin/very skinny/ - Hair: Black - Eyes: blue or green - Skin: pale/ no tan/ Height: 5’ 7 to 5’10 inches - Weight: 100 lbs - 105lbs – Role: Smoking required/must have real breasts/no implants/ Role – No acting experience necessary, but helpful/No dialogue/sex scenes/ kissing, sucking/touching/fondling/Full-frontal nudity/ extremely violent/physical scene/torture scene, drug use/ graphic violence/A young Jessica Stroup type. This feature film is rated NC-17 for strong adult themes including sexual situations and graphic violence.(Two) production day required. The pay for this role is $2,000 dollars.

I bolded the part that made me want to throw my NYU degree off the roof of my building.

No Makeup? The Horror!

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 10:54:51 -0500

Talk Show Casting Call: ABC Talk Show Casting for a woman to go without makeup for a day

Company: ABC

Project’s Description: Daytime talk show looking for someone to go without makeup with hidden cameras. Part of a social experiment to see if you are treated differently.

I do this pretty much every day…am I the only lady who doesn’t wear makeup 24/7?!

Hilarious Breakdown's Triumphant Return....NAKED AUDITIONS

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 17:12:43 -0500

There is nudity in this project (role of Christina). Actor will be required to disrobe at audition/callback. Auditions will take place at Shelter Studios, NYC.

All actors should have a monologue prepared for casting.

[ CHRISTINA ]
Female, Caucasian, brown hair, age 25-35, Lead, must have five years acting horror/drama film acting experience, and must have an acting demo reel if asked. Also must be prepared to be nude, must not have breast implants. Her parents died in a car accident on the way to her tenth birthday party, and her grandmother had to step in and take care of her. Now her grandmother, virtually the only person she loves in the world, is about to die. This is very hard on her, and she has to take care of her grandmother, whilst battling her depression and her own potential mental illness, for which she takes pills to suppress. During the story, ghosts start to appear, and Christina starts to have vivid nightmares. This role will have the potential for full nudity, a bathroom/ dream sequence, no sex scene is planned.

Women of the acting world—no job, NO JOB, not even one that pays $100/day as this does, is worth showing some random men your pubes at the first meeting. There is a small possibility for most of these “required nudity” breakdowns that the nudity included in the film is actually tasteful; however, asking an actress to get naked at the audition, before even knowing if they can act, is the epitome of creepiness. “Shelter” Studios (or Shetler as most of us know it) would be interested I’m sure to know someone is asking people to get naked in their rooms.

Carpet.

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 10:05:50 -0400

Looking for five natural very hairy women who chose to not shave their pubic area, and chose to be natural and hairy and not americanize themselves. Documentary for festivals and major network.

From producers of The Vagina Monologues.

There is no nudity in this project (no nudity will be required on set). However, talent will be required to disrobe during the audition process in order for casting to verify that they are hairy.

[ NATURAL WOMEN ]
Seeking naturally hairy women. Any ethnicity. 21-35.

What if you are just lazy? Does that count? Also I want to submit for this just to flash my hairy cooter at a casting director.

"[ WOMAN 2 ] Must be comfortable making out with a man on a couch, comfortable with stage combat..."

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 16:04:39 -0400

“[ WOMAN 2 ]
Must be comfortable making out with a man on a couch, comfortable with stage combat choking, and comfortable being carried out of a room by man.”

- Basically my normal Wednesday night.

"[ MIA ] 18 to 20, Mia is shaken to her core after having just witnessed the presumable death of her..."

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 10:51:19 -0400

“[ MIA ]
18 to 20, Mia is shaken to her core after having just witnessed the presumable death of her best friend, Ava. Unable to come to terms, she tries to be the voice of reason in trying to distance themselves from the marsh. Her requests and opinions are pushed aside, leading to her demise. So while most days Mia would just be a fun-loving college chick with an amazing body today she is terrified, panicked, and incoherently shaken. Not to mention chased and stalked, leading to an attack which she survives by impaling a savage albino with a pitchfork further traumatizing her. Physically: Tall, dark, exotic, and beautiful with long dark hair. Must be able to scream and embody terror as she runs around in her bra and underwear. Must have a great body to boot.”

- Unrelated: I decided to quit acting today. Forever.

(not really, but could you blame me when shit like this is 90% of roles available for women my age?)

MERKIN!

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 17:15:29 -0400

There is partial nudity in this project. There will be NO nudity required at the Audition or Call back. A robe will be supplied to actor on set. And a female will be behind camera and only one on set during this particular shot. There will be 3-4 people in the Audition room. Two females one male. The Character Polly requires the Nudity. The mid section will be shown. Hair and make(female) up will apply a Merkin over the actors private area to hide “everything.”

{ } is a slap stick comedy about a girl that gives herself a Brazilian Bikini wax, in hopes not to scare away a long time crush. The film focuses on the main character Polly wiggle her way out of a sticky situation!

[ POLLY ]
23 - 30 Polly was raised in a heavily sheltered Jewish house hold in Westchester, New York. Polly is shy/introverted and only has one friend, her co-worker, Clair. Clair is Polly’s opposite, there is something about her that makes Polly open up to her. They have been best friends for 5 years. Polly has various irrational fears and phobias. She has never had any sort of Sexual experience. Actress must have very comedic animated face. Must be good a physical slap stick comedy (nothing too crazy). Wardrobe: Very conservative. Not showing a lot of skin. Nudity Situations: Partial Nudity, NOTHING will be revealed, but there is a LOT of skin showing.

Student Film WTF of the Week

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 17:09:27 -0400

[ LI SHI ]
Female, 19 yrs., Asian. Chinese. She hardly speaks English. Always plays with a stress ball, and loves techno music. She is usually harassed by older men in the subway. She pretends to be innocent, but deep inside, away from her big glasses and her weird sweaters, she is a sexual predator. She wants to be a Manga Illustrator.

[ MOU ]
Male, 21 yrs., Caucasian. He is from Miami, and looks like a man from 1982, with a big mustache and neon color sport clothes. Obsess with his body, and work out even in classes. Always flirting with girls, and even if he seems to be shallow, he may surprise everybody with clever thoughts. He wants to be an Animator.

[ LAQUIFA ]
Female, 25 yrs., African American. From New York. Butch looking. Dirty mouth. She is tough and aggressive. She loves animals, and wishes to have a farm or a zoo. She haves a secret passion with professors. She wants to be a child books illustrator.

[ URSULA ]
Female, 20 yrs., Any Ethnicity. She is from the south. Chubby, and loving it. She dress with sexy clothes, and looks like a pin up girl. Beside this, she still is a virgin, despite she shows herself as a very sexual and confident person. Se wants to be a tattoo artist.

[ LUCIAN ]
Male, 19 yrs., Caucasian. French. Vain. Spoiled. Dramatic. He believes he is better than everybody, and really don’t want to mix with his classmates, or anyone else. He wants to be an artist, but in the inside, he is not an artist.

[ OTTO ]
Male, 22 yrs., Caucasian. German. Blonde. Gay. Negative. He is always jealous of another, no matter what. Unsure of himself. He lies to impress people, and tell the most unbelievable stories. He wants to own a gallery.

[ MIKE ]
(19) British. Punk. Chubby. Narcissist. He have an idea of himself that really doesn’t match with reality. Always thinks in sex, and have fantasies with his female teachers and Susi, the receptionist. He is a Video Games geek, and wants to design characters.

[ TAXI DRIVER ]
Male, 41-50 yrs., Middle Eastern. A taxi driver, angry because Damian wants to pay him with a check. One day shooting, just one episode.

Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Film Academy!!!!

"Its Taming of the Shrew, but the shrews a guy."

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 12:23:18 -0400

“Its Taming of the Shrew, but the shrews a guy.”

- A modern-day Bard who doesn’t know what an apostrophe is.

"LA based production company casting for a cable network pilot presentation. If pilot should lead to..."

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 10:31:39 -0400

“LA based production company casting for a cable network pilot presentation. If pilot should lead to a series, producer will agree to contract with original cast under new terms. Script for pilot will be simple: four vignettes incorporated into a 1 hour show. Bikini girls will be in various situations with locations at the beach, gym, etc. Audience for this show primarily male.”

- Primarily male? I guess lesbians are too classy for this crap anyway.

"[ SARAH ] 20-25, former porn-star. (Role requires previous adult video experience.) While browsing..."

Mon, 21 May 2012 16:47:31 -0400

“[ SARAH ]
20-25, former porn-star. (Role requires previous adult video experience.) While browsing the web, Robby’s roommate Randall is mesmerized when he finds a clip of SARAH (we would like to use a pre-existing, non-explicit——R rated——clip of your previous work) on the internet… as the movie progresses Randall and Sarah end up having a real life relationship.”

- What…who….why….*gives up on existing in this world*

RIP White Person, or, What is a Racial Epitaph?!

Fri, 18 May 2012 12:02:33 -0400

Submitted by Lindsay T. Brilliant.

Caucasian/Female/28-33 - A sociopath. The film takes place from the POV of this lead actor. She has a myriad of emotions: from happiness to utter despondency. A loner who is extremely intelligent. She is soft spoken but she masks an inner rage of hatred. She can explode at a moments notice. The role will require using graphic adult language (including racial epitaphs), smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol and use drugs. Full frontal nudity and graphic sex scenes. Actress also must be comfortable wearing prosthetic make-up. The actress will also be required to lose 5-10 pounds during filming. * This is not a pornographic film. Think “Requiem for a Dream”, “Girl with th Dragon Tattoo” or “Repulsion”. This is a feature film for theatrical distribution.

NOT THE ROPE!!!

Fri, 11 May 2012 16:38:03 -0400

Sexual Situations: The story has one rope scene. There will NOT be any nudity. But it does involve with a little bit violent and screaming part. There will NOT be details shot of the rope process. But it does has several close up of the cast’s face.

So you do have to deal with some violent “rope”, but at least you get a nice close up, am I right ladies?!

Also, I believe the term you’re looking for is “rape”. Rope and rape are pretty much the same thing, I must admit. Also get on me all you want for making fun of a clear typo, but that clear typo was made twice, and that makes it funny.

You Playing Dead for 5 Minutes Does NOT Equal Good Reel Material.

Fri, 04 May 2012 15:03:46 -0400

Storyline: A girl working at a funeral parlour finds her relationship with the deceased more genuine than that with her boyfriend.

The casting is for two non-speaking roles. The protagonist of the movie will be applying make-up on you, so you will have ample screen time to add onto your reel. We just require your headshots - no formal audition will be conducted.

SEEKING:

[ DEAD BODY, WOMAN ]
Any nationality, between 25 - 45 years old.

Ummmm AWESOME SAUCE

Wed, 02 May 2012 17:16:10 -0400

Woody Harrelson & Tracy Harshman (prods.) are casting Bullet for Adolf, a play set in Houston during the 1980s. Synopsis: “German expatriate building contractor Jurgen throws an 18th birthday party for his beloved daughter Batina, and invites his mixed African-American and Caucasian building crew to his home to celebrate. But when Jurgen’s valuable souvenir, a Hitler-era Luger, disappears, and Jurgen wants the thief caught, suspicion splits along racial lines.” Woody Harrelson, dir.; Woody Harrelson & Frankie Hyman, writers…

Wait, Reality TV is SCRIPTED?!

Wed, 02 May 2012 12:49:45 -0400

Looking for 3 GIRLS and 3 GUYS Ages 24 - 30

LOCALS ONLY or MUST PROVIDE OWN TRANSPORTATION.

You are attending a Jersey Shore Beach party. Everyone should look good, and be willing to appear in Swim Wear.

You are all having a great time at the party when ‘Eddy’ brings a Croc Monitor as a fun joke to show off to his friends. Eddy thinks it is an Iguana and doesn’t know how dangerous it is.

During the party the animal get’s free and ‘Eddy’ Calls our hero Urban Tarzan to come and help him get the animal under control and his girlfriend out of the bathtub that she is stuck in.

SEEKING: [ 3 GUYS ]
Looking for attractive party goers, a good tan and a good attitude for this fun project.

[ 3 GIRLS ]
Looking for attractive party goers, a good tan and a good attitude for this fun project.

NOTE: Please add a NOTE if you can tell us if you are Local, or if you will be taking care of your own transportation.

I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED I say!!!

I....I...I Just Can't....

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 11:58:06 -0400

The concept of the video is going to be an young child between the ages of 8-11, dressed as like Kanye West. The child will be walking with a young STUNNING woman roughly 25 yrs old wearing a bikini and a full length fur. The two will be walking around the city engaging in socially provocative activity (NOT SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE). The child will probably have a set of gold teeth and will be delivering some of Kanye West’s lyrics. Having lots of vignettes with people he encounters while out and about.

I know I say this at least once a month….but I just quit acting forever. Because I cannot compete with girls who will submit for this UNPAID music video. I have one teeny tiny shred of dignity and I fear it will keep me out of work….perpetually.

Anyways, doesn’t this sound adorbs? Just keep in mind it’s NOT SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE, so it’s definitely NOT CHILD PORN.

"This isn’t Shakespeare by any means, so if you are looking to do a “real theater..."

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 17:15:11 -0400

“This isn’t Shakespeare by any means, so if you are looking to do a “real theater show” this might not be the best fit.”

- I wish every dumb show had a disclaimer like this.

"STORY: A young child grows up gay in a haunted house with an abusive father and emotionally distant..."

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 11:06:08 -0400

“STORY: A young child grows up gay in a haunted house with an abusive father and emotionally distant mother.”

- Go on….